something out of the ashes.

'is self-hatred a form of wisdom in disguise?'

'what? i don't believe so, but it most certainly can be something extremely complex... but interesting.'

'quite an arcanum.'

'i do agree.'

I'll watch the stars explode
As I walk along this final road
Into a state of questionable existence.
I know of the impending abeyance,
But it's just that
With these city lights, (So distant)
I can't forget about you.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
The dawn isn't rising,
And I'm slowly dying.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
I'll state it simply,
This never was meant to be.

I'll watch the sky fall
And I realize you'll never call.
Forever disregarding all my pleas
To save me from this terrible disease.
Still it's just that
With these telltale signs, (Of decay)
I can't forget about you.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
The dawn isn't rising,
And I'm slowly dying.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
I'll state it simply,
This never was meant to be.

I looked to the west,
And watched the sunset,
Signifying there's no chance
For reconciliation.
But with death,
There's always still a breath
Of life left for a new beginning.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
The dawn isn't rising,
And I'm slowly dying.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
I'll state it simply,
This never was meant to be.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
The sea is draining,
While our time here is waning.

And oh, no, no, no,
Oh no,
I'll state it simply,
I never was meant to be.

'i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you.'

assuredly. oh, sure. you say so. constantly. i'm not sure if i should believe you, but i love you.

...just wishing to unearth a reason for this pandemonium. look at what you've done... but i want to hear the outside story... 'why do you look so ill?' 'cause it just gets harder every day'... simply to assure you that the self-denial is voluntary...had haunted this place in times before. maybe it's purgatory... it appeared as if we could stay to wait for their values to disintegrate... just pretend, with me, that we didn't almost have to go through death... and so we sit by day, praying to find the love again... 'falling may occur'... we're running to our demise... we think, please compromise for the lost blood. is that possible?... once upon a time, we were cut from reality... 'just an irreverent equal'... you said we'd hear echoes of truth before we felt the chilling presence of what had been bound by deception until now. you said you'd be devoutly honest. yet with the element of surprise, you let lies out... ignite in remembrance... they can never know me... but the situation was utterly desolate, just as the stars against the lonely midnight sky above. we saw it all collapse with them... if i stay, it would only make matters worse, but i must say, you've brought on a curse... until you found what we had long ago. i thought we'd never burn out.

[audrey, if you are reading this, you are free to incorporate as many of these bits of lyrics, or any other bits of lyrics i've posted, into songs. just tell me if you do. and someday, if you don't, they'll just go back into the elegy, from whence they came.]

[revised:] their cruel words no longer sting. i will face no further injury. i had smiled before this love, now i smile as i bleed. enthralled by the light, your eyes sparkle with joy. yet i am left in the shadows, to admire this crystalline dream. i was consumed by the floor and i was hopeless. now i assure myself that i'll get through this.

denial, denial, denial. did we really do that? oh dear. 'no.'
reality? irrationality? heartbreak? do any of these things factor in when we choose our path?
questioning, forgetting, wondering. the only one which matters in the end is reality.
falling! straying! hurting! the situation will improve.
love. forgiveness. acceptance. just reach for the beckoning hand.

you're falling through the floor again, well it's nothing worth doing that over. believe me, with things such as what you saw written all over the walls, declare a state of total impossibility for the sky to suddenly come crashing down. i'd fly far away, on the whitest wings. broken hearts can and often will lead to resentment, but the death of an era just begins a new one. raise our voices, in a sign of hope, run through the fire, and quit waiting for an event of instant gratification and glory. if were such a close attachment, would it even be necessary to pose questions? it's simply a matter of injustice. let's just resolve this issue and make a decision; to be or not to be? 'tis it something worth crying over? to possess an amount of hatred equivalent to the fury of the rising sun or the crashing waves of the ocean against something is generally unnecessary. for what reason do the dearest ones not see just exactly what their 'everything' has triggered? oh, does it really matter? nothing. nothing more than a matter of endless reconciliation. what is responsible for this absence of truth?

[don't worry, i'm not trying to send some sort of cryptic message within the bolded words.]

...i'm falling along the way, the choices of yesterday don't really mean much anymore... now we won't forget that pretty scene. never. it excluded the placidity we'd always dreamed of. your animosity was simply over the top. and remains so... just say it in an illicit manner... never partake in those events again.

Were you always there, besides in my mind? I didn't think so. We wanted this to be real, to sleep while angels watched over us. They're calling me to go back anew. The elegies remain the same, as the static "love" radiates and melts minds. This pattern makes us want to walk away, but we can't just walk away as we once could. We've gently tampered with the fragile balance they feared would fall.

"Something's got to change."

should we care.

what sense does it make to run away any longer?
"acceptance" - often not reached, proclaimed to be so valuable.
yet as we'll fall again and again,
really, let's choose to be who we are,
or at least attempt to.

desparation is evident

[the following is a collection of very bad, odd, separate ramblings that have found their way into my notebook. many are incomplete or lines i liked from incomplete ones. i hope i won't bore/confuse you too much.]

take this no more we must
we're overlooked,
betrayed by those
who don't realize
that they're just like us.
so, let emerge a new insight
softly sparkling as if it may be right

their cruel words no longer sting. i will face no further how this is. i smiled before this love, now i smile as i bleed. enthralled by the apparent light, their eyes shine with joy. yet i am left in the shadows, to admire this crystalline dream. i was consumed by the floor, and i was hopeless. now i assure myself that reality is different that i'd imagined.

this, dear, begins something to rue. they'll radiate illustrious danger, just as i have before told you. note how it seemingly brings new light through the cracks. the hidden malevolence draws so-called angels. tonight, we, from elsewhere, are to pretend to admire this story in all its supposed light. we waited under a starless night that drowned every sound like the deepest ocean. we saw you and then heard the repetitive radio "you'll acquire wings. it's the truth! hold it close." they sang how bright city lights must not illuminate their eyes and be overshadowed. i swear i saw the spotlight. they fell to tears. we'll escape to watch it all from a distance.

won't you forget what this might become, now, while we search for the dying sun? you said "we'll see them crumbling" and they ran to what they knew of. remember, in those days, when their mesmerized hearts were quite content with words, yet we looked to another path?

...but classic verses were what we'd shy far away from... see what joyous accusations arrive tomorrow... shared songs and then muted our voices... "it will move the hearts of the 'found.'"... won't save the wretched... find what slipped away, this time... but dying like those days before... know they wanted m blood, and i heard murderous cries at the thought. and likely, it's just another mirrored memory from years ago... it appeared as if we could stay to wait for the time, but that wasn't the case... affirm that we would simply fall apart... as we're surrounded and far too weak to reach to pick up the shards of our broken dreams... to better understand what's passed so long ago... writing unrequited love songs... watch the stars dance as we count our dreams that have turned to dust... like before your amendments, speak truthfully... plasticity looked just as a classic choice... when we, as no one, with sparkling eyes, see through the sky. it's time to break our confining walls...

i'm falling into the cracks that begin new stories, but it's quite dark in the city. we'll form the final assembly against the golden sky. we'll see how forgotten the last night will be. all that can be seen is tears, striking memories of the boys and girls of yesterday. they fall to diamonds.